Saturday, March 20, 2010

toward an authentic spirituality

I was raised in a traditionally religious home. Traditional, at least, for the first twelve years. After that my mother became born again and we went with her through a tumultuous search for the truest faith. Her truest faith.

Sadly, the churches she visited were so often based, not on the premise that god is love, but that god is a god of fear and obedience. Recrimination and shame followed me as I prayed and tried to accept these charismatic and chaotic beliefs.

Later I dabbled in paganism, judaism, buddhism and unitarian faith. Religion was a cafeteria and I sampled broadly.

Ultimately I came to a place of happy agnosticism. Happy, at least that I no longer had to continue on what felt like an exhausting search. I didn't know and didn't have to know! What freedom. I didn't have to worry about offending any deities, I didn't have to worry that I was doing a ritual wrong or that I was practicing an inferior form of the faith.

But as I work towards wellness, balance, and wholeness I find that I miss having a spiritual practice. Because of my cynicism and mistrust however, I struggle with how to incorporate spirituality into my life.

I guess the closest I get is the buddhist practice of doing what you're doing while you're doing it! Basically being present in the moment. We'll see how this evolves but I want to start asking those questions again. What sustains me. What do I need, not want, but need. This I think is key to wellness, wholeness, and balance.


  1. Ah! I am a closet spiritual agnostic who also can't seem to find the right religious/spiritual community. Glad to know I'm not alone.

  2. i hear ya! happy agnosticism it is. i prefer to piece together any spiritual beliefs and practices as i see fit for ME.

  3. Amanda! Another thing we have in common (stunning brunettes, vegetarians etc.) Yes, sometimes I feel guilty about my loose relationship with religion, but every time I start to get a little deeper, I run into dogma. And dogma gets me every time!